Alien - Movie Synopsis

In a world where vile, evil men rule the known galaxy, comes a tale of horror on an epic scale. Our film begins, out in the depths of space, aboard a commercial ship called Nostromo. It’s on a steady course back to Earth with twenty million tons of cargo in tow. The seven-member crew is abruptly awakened from their stasis by the onboard computer in order to investigate a transmission coming from a near by planet.  Since they are corporate minions with the freedom of a Walmart greeter, they do as they are told, placing their meager lives in danger for their greedy bosses. Captain Dallas, played by Tom Skerritt, leads a three-person group to investigate the signal on the mysterious planet along with executive officer, Kane, and ship navigator, Lambert. I think the science officer was still sipping his morning coffee back in the cantina. A navigator is a better choice to wear the Star Trek redshirt than a science officer any day, right?

Anyhow, Dallas, Kane, and Lambert discover that the signal is coming from a derelict alien spacecraft. Inside it, they find the remains of a large alien creature whose ribs appear to have exploded outward from the inside. Apparently the Alien must have had Taco Bell.  Meanwhile, the Nostromo’s computer partially deciphers the signal transmission, which Warrant Officer Ripley, played by Sigourney Weaver, determines to be some type of warning not to go inside the ship. Oops!

Kane discovers a vast chamber containing numerous alien eggs, one of which hatches a creature that attaches itself to Kane’s lovely face quicker than Ned Beatty can squeal like a little piggy. Dallas and Lambert carry an unconscious Kane back to the Nostromo. Ash ignores Ripley’s orders to follow the ship’s quarantine protocol and lets them in. During an unsuccessful attempt to remove the creature from Kane’s face, they discover that its blood is an extremely corrosive acid. The blood is so corrosive it eats through many layers of metal but not the alien’s own skin.  Eventually, the creature gets sick of dry-humping Kane’s voicebox, detaches itself, and dies.  With the ship repaired, the crew resumes their trip back to Earth.

Kane awakens seemingly unharmed. Everyone avoids talking about his mouth getting penetrated more than a whore at a political convention. That is until he begins to choke and convulse during dinner, before an alien creature bursts out from his chest, instantly killing him. The wonderful meal ends with the little darling escaping into the ship before dessert was served.

Lacking any conventional weapons, the crew is forced to throw together whatever they can. One of the dirty Repo Men, Brett, follows the crew’s cat into a large room, but chasing pussy gets you into trouble every time.  He encounters a now-fully-grown Alien – tall, dark, and oily…with bad teeth – think better-looking Italian.  The alien attacks him and runs off with his mangled body into one of the ship’s airshafts.  Dallas, the ship’s best known actor, enters the shaft with the intention of forcing the Alien into an airlock where it can be expelled into space, but the quick mofo ambushes the Cap’n too. Alien 3, Humans 0.  This one isn’t going into overtime, folks. 

While the rest of the crew shits themselves, Ripley accesses the ship’s computer.  She discovers that Ash has been ordered to return the Alien to the Nostromo’s corporate employers, even at the expense of the crew’s lives. Ash attacks her, but Parker intervenes. He decapitates Ash with a blow from a fire extinguisher, proving the time-tested adage, fire extinguishers don’t kill old, British, men; big, black, American men do. Surprisingly, in a twist that would make M.Night Shyamalan proud, Ash is revealed to be an android.  Did someone forget to share that there are androids in the future?  Well there are. Yes, it makes more economic and practical sense to send a crew of androids to mine ore for free, but this is an evil corporation we are talking about. Cue the maniacal laughter. 

Right before Parker incinerates the headless Ash, he/it predicts that the other crewmembers will not survive. Thank you, Android Obvious! The remaining three members form a plan to arm the ship’s self-destruct mechanism and escape in the shuttle, but before that can happen, the Alien kills Parker and Lambert while they are out gathering needed supplies. Ripley initiates the self-destruct sequence and heads for the shuttle with the cat. Don’t forget the fucking cat! Two pussies are always better than one. Unfortunately for our feline duo, the Alien block’s their escape like the fat chick protecting her hot friends at a bar.  Like a drunken skank at last call, Ripley abandons her feline friend, one that was seemingly so important to her a moment before, to satisfy her own needs. Believe it or not, she is unsuccessful in her attempts to abort the ship’s self-destruct mechanism, so rejected she heads back. This time, the Alien is nowhere to be seen, and Ripley is narrowly able to escape in the shuttle as the Nostromo explodes.  Don’t forget the fucking cat!!

Alone, Ripley prepares to enter stasis, but discovers that the Alien is aboard the shuttle too. She puts on a space suit and opens the hatch, causing an explosive decompression that forces the Alien into the open doorway, but keeps the cat safe. Ripley shoots the pesky Alien with a grappling gun, but the gun is yanked from her hands. It catches in the closing door, tethering the Alien to the shuttle. The Alien attempts to crawl into one of the engines, but Ripley activates them, blasting it into space. She then puts herself, and the fucking cat, into stasis for the return trip to Earth.